Confessions of a Sleep Widow

I don’t know what it is, but I feel most creative and free between the hours of midnight and 4am. I suppose it could be that most of the people in my world are asleep so I’m free to do everything I’ve been meaning to do without the chatter of everyone and everything in my head.

I’m not sure when my sleep truly began to disappear.  I remember being very young—around 4 or 5—and lying awake for much of the night.  The house was quiet except for snoring and the sounds of sirens or people outside yelling periodically, as we didn’t live in a great neighborhood.  We usually didn’t have fans or A/C so it was very hot in the house.  I would find different places on the wall and place my feet or parts of my body in order to find a little relief from the heat.  And there was absolutely nothing to do!  I couldn’t sneak and watch our tiny little TV or listen to music or play with toys.  I was one of five children in a poor household, which meant everyone slept very close to each other and could hear whatever was going on in the house.  It was a frustrating time for a kid with insomnia.

Fast forward to years of being in homes where comings and goings carried on throughout the night.  It was not uncommon to have someone wander in drunk after partying and trip over me in the dark, as I was sleeping in the living room.  Or if the flame in the wooden stove that was heating the house began to die, someone would come in and loudly stir the fire and add more wood to the stove.  When I lived with my grandma, there were times when we had to call the ambulance and have her taken to the hospital late at night when her blood sugar levels were not right.

And then there were the years when I was a teenager and there was nothing else to do but run the streets getting into “trouble.”  We would walk the streets of our neighborhood all night just finding ways to not be bored.  This was a much more exciting alternative than staying at home with no food, no fun and nothing interesting to do.  We would stay out exploring new streets or meeting new people and goofing off until we saw the sun coming up.  Then it was time to hustle home before anyone awoke to ask questions.

In college, everyone expects you to stay up all night.  It is a defining characteristic of the college experience.  You binge-watch shows with your fellow dorm mates, hit up all the fun parties, goof off with your friends when you should be studying…then you cram and pull an all-nighter because you have to turn in a paper or product that’s due, which you have known about for three months.

Ah adulthood…finally moving past that whole irresponsible all-nighter thing, right?  Wrong.  You find a good book that you can’t put down, and end up staying awake the whole night thinking “Just one more chapter…”  Some people continue to party with their friends at the bar or club, even when they know they have to work the next day.  I wasn’t much of a party-goer after college; however, as a singer, I had one nighttime passion…recording in the studio.  For me, my voice was its best and I felt the most creative in the late night/early morning hours.  I didn’t skip a beat either because I could stay up all night and still function well at work all day. Performances were also mostly in the late night hours.

Surely, this has to come to an end, right?  Maybe when you have children? Not for me.  When I finally had my beautiful babes, I experienced sleep deprivation like no other time in my life.  Up until this point in my life, I had chosen to stay awake through the night.  Now I had TWO hungry, wiggly, crying little bundles that demanded I feed and cuddle them throughout the night.  It was a wonderful nightmare!  Pumping, nursing, changing diapers, cuddling, rocking, singing and willing my children to go to sleep at the same time so that I could too.  What a crazy time!  And wouldn’t you know God saw fit to bless me with a third child after the age of 40?  I couldn’t tell you the last time I slept for 8 straight hours!

There were some other things that infringed upon my nights of sleep as well: sharing a home with a parent with medical ailments; being a youth minister and hosting countless parties and sleepovers which went well into the night; attending all night prayer events; or even just being able to get cleaning or other things done after the children are in bed.  Heck…these days, my sleep is being devoured by my newest nocturnal pursuit…blogging!!

The truth is that I love the time when everyone else in my world is snoozing.  It’s my time.  Time to just be.  Time to relax.  Time to unwind and regroup.  Time to pray in solitude.  Time to remember who I am as just a woman…not a wife or mom or daughter or friend or consultant…just me.  I have so many ideas during this time.  I can hear my thoughts so clearly.  I am satisfied and content.  I am at peace.

I know what you’re thinking…

• This is not good for your health!
• This will destroy your circadian rhythms and negatively impact your body’s systems.
• This will prematurely age your face and your body!
• This will cause you to have slower brain function and reflexes throughout your day!
• This will make you less effective in your life.
• This will make you irritable and more easily frustrated throughout the day.
• You won’t be a good mom with no sleep!

I’m sure there is a little bit of all of that going on in my life right now.  But you know what?  When I have these times to myself at night, I feel happier.  I feel more balanced and I feel free.  I feel empowered to do the things that I want to do without taking time away from my husband or my children in the process. We constantly hear that as women and moms, we can’t have it all. Well, with a little less sleep, I feel closer to having all that I want.

To be clear…I am not advocating for more women to lose more sleep.  Many women (myself included) are functioning on a lot less sleep than our bodies and minds need to be at their best.  But for me…I know that this way of life makes me feel better about my life.  It’s not for everyone, but I love it.  Sadly, I know that as I age and my body requires me to slumber more often, I will be forced to let go of my sweet nocturnal siestas.  But that day has not yet come.  As for today, my motto is…you sleep when you’re dead!! :o)