Me (to my teen): “Sometimes, I wish I had pushed you guys harder to maximize your potential. You could be much further along in a skill or passion by now.”
Teen: “I understand why you could feel that way, but I am so glad you didn’t. I’m grateful to not have the trauma of being forced to do something that I didn’t really want to do.”
Cue internal mom dance party…woo-hoo!!
It begins with your inner child
When I was a child, there weren’t many opportunities to work towards my full potential in any area, as we were a poor family. The priority for any adults in my life was finding the next meal or keeping the lights on. My inner child always wanted more than this for my own children, hence the constant struggle of knowing whether to push them into a specific direction or leave them alone to explore for themselves.
As a parent, finding the right balance between pushing your children to reach their full potential and allowing them space to explore and develop independently can be challenging. I believe there is a time to push them and a time to back off. But both are needed, at some point, to help them navigate the journey along the way.
A time to push
Here are some factors to consider when you are itching to give your kids a proper nudge…
- Clear talent or passion – If your child shows a genuine interest or natural aptitude in an area, gentle encouragement can help them develop their skills.
- Overcoming obstacles – Children can sometimes need a push to tackle difficulties and overcome obstacles standing between them and a goal.
- Breaking out of comfort zones – Encouraging children to try new things can broaden their horizons and even help them discover hidden talents.
- Establishing discipline – A parental push could be the key to help establish good habits. This is often true for activities that require consistent practice (like music or sports).
** For even more in-depth insight, read this article on whether we are pushing our kids too hard: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200301/are-we-pushing-our-kids-too-hard
A time to back off
- Signs of stress or burnout – If your child consistently shows anxiety, fatigue, or loss of interest, it may be time to ease up.
- Curiosity stage – When children are trying out various activities, they need space to discover what truly excites them without pressure.
- Internal motivation – If your child is self-motivated in an area, allow him or her to own the pace of forward progress.
- Age-appropriate expectations – Your expectations should align with your child’s developmental stage and individual capabilities.
Support is the key
And might I offer some final tips for exhibiting a supportive mindset with your kids regarding activities and interests…
- Regularly talk with your child about their interests, goals, and feelings related to their activities.
- Pay attention to your child’s non-verbal cues that might indicate enthusiasm or discomfort.
- Work with your child to establish achievable standards that challenge them without causing unnecessary stress.
- Demonstrate a healthy approach to pursuing passions and handling setbacks in your own life.
- Allow your children to have solid input in decisions about their activities and level of commitment.
- Focus on praising hard work and progress rather than just outcomes or talent. Celebrate even the smallest victories!
There is no proven formula that works best for all children. The key is to remain attuned to your child’s individual needs, personality, and developmental stage. Children want to know that they have their parent’s support in all aspect of their lives, regardless of a perceived positive or negative outcome.
And with our hearts focused more on internal growth than a shiny, new trophy…we as parents can offer them that support.
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