This journal entry was written on April 10, 2016 while I was 23 weeks pregnant and hospitalized due to symptoms of premature labor.
I’m lying in a hospital bed right now, waiting to find out if I can keep this baby in long enough for him to live. I’ve been here before, and it didn’t have a very happy ending. It took 7.5 long years for God to bless us with our beautiful twin girls, and it was every bit of joy and happiness that I always believed it would be. Years of waiting for test results, waiting for a diagnosis that made sense, waiting for the time to be right for conception, waiting for the time when I might be “late,” waiting for one or two lines to appear, waiting for the period that would dash my fragile hopes, waiting for the time to be right for conception again…Or even waiting enough time after a miscarriage to start the process all over again. Then, enter fertility treatments which added an abundance of wait time to my life. After months of waiting, medicines, injections, procedures, appointments, poking and constant prodding, there is the famous “two-week wait” that all hopeful moms-to-be enduring fertility treatments must encounter to discover whether their dreams have come true or are deferred yet again. When it fails, the wait for your next few cycles in order to start the process over again feels like an eternity for you emotionally, physically and spiritually. All the while, you experience a roller coaster of thoughts, emotions and fears: God..what are you trying to show me? Am I not good enough for this blessing? Is something wrong with me? Am I undeserving? Why are picking on me and not any of the many women around me who seem to have no trouble with this? Really God…the Octomom gets eight in one shot and I get none? (just being real)
It took years of waiting for the raw-ness of this pain to subside, even after God blessed me with the joy of two baby girls who were so well worth the wait. I tried to pray the desire away, but it lingered…a longing was once again piercing my heart and pushing me toward the painful waiting cycle all over again. Another four years of the waiting rollercoaster finally landed me the pregnancy I longed for…and it would be the son I knew I always wanted! It was an intense and dramatic pregnancy, riddled with lots of waiting…I kept expecting bad news as I was plagued with complications which sent me to the ER multiple times. One fateful day, I spent hours feeling like something was wrong and was dismissed by my doctor. I kept waiting to feel better but it got worse…until the moment I was dreading came to pass…I lost my son at 16.5 weeks and almost lost my own life that day as he and a life-threatening amount of blood and fluids left my body. I will never forget lying in the ER, feeling like I was floating away, begging God not to take me from my husband and children…
Fast forward through the next terrible waiting period of surgery, allowing my body the time to recuperate from trauma, grieving the loss of a son and being ready for the process of trying to get pregnant once more…the time came when I would be blessed with (hopefully) my final pregnancy. I spent months waiting to feel better, wading through an enormous amount of sickness, complications and misery, to finally discover that, once again, I was expecting a son. I finally got to my 20th week and felt I could relax into this pregnancy. Well sure enough…wait for it…the next day, I get bad news from the doctor and I am put on bed rest. I was told I could have this baby at any time. What? He’s not ready yet! Two weeks later, I am admitted to the hospital for emergency medications to help the baby grow faster and to help calm my pre-term labor symptoms. And here I am again…waiting to hear what God wants for my life and family right now.
In this entire 15-year journey to the family of my dreams, my ultimate struggle has been against two main things: 1) The fear of losing this perfect family I had dreamed of throughout my own traumatized childhood; 2) The idea that something I wanted so much was truly and completely out of my control. That’s the thing, isn’t it? We imagine this ideal life for ourselves and our expectations soar. Then, we realize that there are things we can work towards, but ultimately, the final result ,is not up to us. “In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Prov. 16:9
It takes courage to wait on God and surrender to His will. I think the most profound thing I have learned through this process is that it is truly not about me…it’s all about Him. We focus so much on our own little tiny lives and we can be toddler-like in our impatience. But what’s incredible is to ponder how much time God spends waiting on us…waiting for his precious babies to get it…bigger picture, His Will, trust, surrender…peace.
As I lie here thinking of the sweet babies I have already lost, I am also still hopeful and prayerful for the one that’s desperately trying to come to me safely now. I think of him, and I have learned the tough lesson that I must release him into the hands of my Father. Why? Because my life is not my own, and I am not in control. I have entrusted myself and my family to the One who so gently cradles us in His loving hands. The lyrics of Amazing Grace express my exact thoughts for my unborn son…“Through many dangers, toils, and snares I have already come; ‘Tis grace that brought me safe thus far and Grace will lead me home.” I’m waiting for you, sweet baby boy…
“The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:25-26
(Good news update: My son, DJ, was born prematurely at 30 weeks and 5 days. He spent one month in the NICU and is now a beautiful, energetic and healthy toddler!!)
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