The Perfect Life For Them

Oh…that glorious day when we decide (or it’s decided for us) that we are ready to start that perfect family we have been dreaming of for years.  We sit and daydream about the most beautiful eyes, the perfect hair; the soft, smooth skin and the angelic demeanor of our little cherub.  We can already imagine his or her perfect behavior, perfect grades in school, perfectly popular social status, perfect college which leads to the perfect career with the perfect spouse and kids in tow, right?  But wait…we are getting ahead of ourselves.  First, we need to get going on that whole conception thing.

And then it happens…we’re pregnant!!

As our bodies begin to experience the rollercoaster of hormones, the nausea, the vomiting, the lack of appetite, the insatiable appetite, the first flutters of movement, the joy of discovering whether to buy pink or blue, the burgeoning belly, the sensation that the one body is no longer an adequate home for harmonious cohabitation between two (or more) roomies…We realize that pregnancy is so perfectly glamorous, right?

And let’s not forget about a perfectly smooth delivery and homecoming.  Surely, there were no scares, no tears (the physical kind), no fears, no tears (the crying kind), and no pain…only the bliss of a new soul bursting forth into the world.  (Are those the voices of heavenly angels I hear singing in celebration?)  We get the perfect night of sleep before we take our new bundle of joy home to the perfectly clean and orderly home environment we methodically prepared in our pre-birth nesting state.  And we live perfectly ever after…

Yeah right!  That didn’t happen to me at all.  As a matter of fact, it was quite the opposite of perfect for me…in conception, pregnancy, delivery, and just life in general.

So why am I painting such an unrealistic picture of a process that can oftentimes be very difficult?  Because we can be so blissfully naïve at the beginning of our parenting journey.  We nurture the formation of new human beings in our bodies, and then we expect to have everything in their lives go perfectly.  Why do we do this?  We have this unrealistic idea that they should never experience any physical, mental or emotional pain…especially at the hands of those that love them most…their parents and guardians.  As if the lack of pain or hardship will somehow result in the production of the world’s first problem-free, 100% happy children.  But struggle is exactly what makes them become the best version of themselves.  We all know that beautiful pearls are formed when some foreign irritant invades the clam or mussel, thus causing it to produce many layers of a special coating as a defense mechanism.   Exposure to a harmful entity over time produces this beautiful result.  Diamonds are another example of beauty as the result of something that’s not easy.  Natural diamonds are believed to literally burst forth as a result of super high temperatures and tremendous pressure. So why do we try to help our children avoid most hardship and pain at all costs, while still hoping they will become the people we want them to be?

I know for me, it took seven and a half years and lots of pain and suffering to conceive my first children (twin girls).   My son came after another seven years and a very scary, life-threatening loss of my first son.   We fought and prayed so hard for these precious babies (all NICU babes), and my tendency is to want to protect them from mental, physical and emotional harm.  But then…what kind of life is that for a human being to live?  Just how much of a self-absorbed, bratty, entitled, thin-skinned person could a child shielded in this way become?  I want them to have some grit and humanity, strength and compassion…empathy for their fellow human kind!!  In my humble opinion, the only way to do this is to grit my teeth, pray for their resilience in hardship and let them fall down.  Because getting back up is the best way for them to learn that they can persist through trials and come out stronger on the other side.  I love how the Bible says that “perseverance must finish its work in us” so that we can become who we were truly meant to be.  Easy situations don’t require perseverance…difficult ones do.

So sometimes I have to allow them to break out of the protective bubble and let them be late to school because they are dragging; deal with the consequences of not having their lunches at school because they didn’t grab it one of the five times I told them to; get a mediocre or bad grade on an assignment because they insist that they are right and I don’t know enough about the second grade to understand; miss out on something they were really looking forward to because of selfish and entitled behavior; participate in activities that can cause injury so they can realize that sometimes life hurts but it will be okay; and even allow them to do things on their own that they can’t quite do so they can mess up and keep trying to figure it out for themselves.

And then there’s managing their expectations of perfection from their parents.  Sometimes we lose our patience with them and speak harshly, but we try our best to apologize later if we hurt their feelings.  Note:  The apology is about using unnecessary hostility as we train and discipline them, not about never using a stern or authoritative parental tone when the situation calls for it.  Sometimes parenting moments simply cannot be gentle!!  :o)

One of the things my husband and I always agreed upon is that we would never argue in front of our kids.  We both believe that children develop a sense of security and an ideology about the family unit based on what they see in the relationship of their parents.  It took many years of infertility before we were finally blessed to become parents.  And the first years of their lives, we just had a blast!  But as various circumstances have complicated our lives together, we have had many heated “discussions” in front of our kids.  It seems this new and complex phase of our marriage unfolded right as our children began to truly understand things and have more deeply rooted memories.  Parenting fail, right?  Well, maybe not.

Even though I still don’t like it when we have intense “discussions” within earshot of our children, we try to focus on making sure that they witness our reconciliation as well.  I must say…this has gone a long way to help our children understand that relationships are not always going to be perfect, but you can still love people deeply if you are willing to fight for those people and persevere with them.  This has actually helped them to improve their sibling relationships as well.

The bottom line is that our children will experience many ups and downs on this rollercoaster we call life.  Are we cultivating their character to give them a good chance to be prepared for life’s many imperfections and challenges?

I know that I need many more lessons and insights on this subject as my children get older and their lives grow more complicated.  Please share your thoughts with me!